I need help to stop cussing! Any suggestions?? I'm not cussing like a sailor or anything but I do let words slip. I read online today that its a learned behavior. (Obviously I don't have tourettes...or do I?) So that can be modified. A suggestion was made that I put a dollar everytime I cuss into a jar and then donate all the money in the jar to charity. I thought that sounded like a good plan...
Proverbs 16:9 - In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
This was Valerie's (a member of my Lifegroup)24th birthday party! I was able to meet some amazing girls who invited me to join their "Finer Things" club. A group of ladies who get together once a month to enjoy the finer things in life :)I was officially inducted by candelight...seriously. Also, I found some pictures of my bachelorette party I haven't posted, I miss my old friends!!
Its almost 12:00 and I can't sleep. I feel like I'm on the brink of something life altering. I feel so confused right now with God. And yet He doesn't seem far. Its not one of those, 'God where are you' moments where he seem silent. I've been praying and searching these past few days on what to do with my trip to China. Ever since I heard the news of the chatastropic earthquake that has killed now 18,000 in Sichuan province in China my heart has been heavy. This week as been a blur. The heaviness hasn't subsided. I asked God, since you don't give writings in the sky, just give me a changed heart, a simple desire to go. I mean, I desire to go to Outback some nights for their wings, or Sonic for a slushie, why can't I conjur up the same hunger for a trip that I have been planning my life around for 8 months??
I feel confused because I heard God's voice and it wasn't what I necessarily thought I'd hear. Its the second summer in a row where a trip to China has been stopped. Many people say "oh a door has been closed but God always opens a window." And I don't feel that way, I don't feel hopeless, that a door has been slammed in my face. I know there is a purpose beyond myself and my situation.
When talking to the study abroad office at U of A on whether I should go or not, a staff member there attempted to consol me that the situation wasn't as bad because "in China there is a greater density of people, so when even something small happens, it effects more people". My program provider said they just suffered a 'broken tile' in a city where it was reported that 1000 people have died. Although I know it probably wasn't their intention to sound cold, I felt disturbed by their treatment of this situation. This is nothing short of a chatastrophy, something that cannot be ignored. I can honestly say I could not intensely study Chinese while the city around me is suffering.
In writing this I am attempting to move forward, to get it all out and then leave any doubts behind. I can say I really feel confident in my decision, though it definately was hard to do. Money has been lost. My degree....well, delayed to say the least. But amidst all this confusion I cannot deny a feeling of hopefulness. Knowing that God is faitful, that I can say "no" with as much conviction as saying "yes". I even read in James today, "Let your yes be yes, let your no be no." God said no, not right now Katy. And that's all that I can understand at this point.
"Bless the LORD, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is enewed like the eagle. The LORD performs righteous deeds And judgments for all who are oppressed."
Psalm 103:1-6
These are the words that are in my heart, yet only King David can put it in the right words. I feel so sheepish...so doubtful. I always am brought back to this point. A point where my soul sings aloud of His praises...right after my series of doubts, complaints, crying, feeling sorry about myself. And here I am, on the other side of the bridge looking back. I wish I were like Job who priased the Lord throughout his trials (ok, I think he complained a little). I just feel like I always fall short. I praise the Lord now because it all makes sense- the job, China, school, marriage. His process makes sense now. And yet I cannot deny that singing my priases has come a little too late. Now, I am a guilt ridden person by nature, always beating myself up. But I just want to come to a point where I get it. Where I actually remember the Word when it counts, when things suck and life seems a little bleak. I guess that just takes time, perhaps maturity. I feel so blessed. What does it take to live the life I know He wants me to lead? I was reading in I think John the other day and read about when Jesus named Simon- Peter. Meaning "the rock". And I feel like I can identify with Peter, he's impulsive, impatient, passionate yet folds easily under pressure. Its like Jesus named him something that meant exactly opposite of his personality. But its not that Jesus named him for who he was- but for who he would be. He saw through it. I hope the same is for myself, that Christ is constantly molding me, like Peter, to be the woman he created me to be.
I'm totally annoyed that I can't find a decent job! How is it that I am so unappealing to employers? Its like I nearly have a college degree but because I am lacking 3 credits its as if I never went to school. Really makes school seem more pointless than ever. And my skill sets...which are well, working with youth, languages, serving at restaurants and limited computer skills...so lets see where that puts Katy. How 'bout nowhere! Unless I work at a foriegn restaurant serving children....haha. Ok, its not that bad. I am not just writing to complain, really I'm just annoyed because I tried to upload some new pictures twice and for some reason its not posting them. Today I just interview at Horizon's Christian Academy for a teacher's assistant job. It looked like it would be really fun. I get to work with 9 kids under the age of 5. Basically, I get to play all day at the different learning stations. And since I'm still a kid at heart I find this exciting...playing with playdough? drawing? puzzles? and reading books all day? sounds like a formula for F-U-N! haha
But for those of you who I do not talk to daily about my life I am really enjoying Florida. I am still taking it all in, the fact that I have palm trees in my front yard, the overwhelming amount of old people, and oh- the white sand beaches only 10 minutes away. And I never saw myself as a beach person but its really growing on me and YES I'm still scared of sharks but slowly getting over that fear. I am loving David more everyday. To see his daily discipline at work I mean the man is crazy! He works now from 7:15 am to 6:30 pm and usually doesn't get home at 7! And he loves it. He's always blabbering on in excitment about all the projects he's working on. And I find myself jealous that he's found his niche (sp?) where I still feel uncertain about my career future. Its mostly jealousy mixed with admiration. He worked hard to be here. I mean, married women, when do you get to a point where you don't feel competitive with your husbands? I am competitive by nature. "Release Katy, Release!" my mom would say. Therefore, I will. I will release it all to God. This time is definately trying my patience and growing my trust in the Lord. Trust always.
Before the Ceremony, our last "single" picture! Our church was buried in snow...
our horse drawn carriage that took us to Les Bostque after the ceremony!!!well guys, its true...its almost time for me to be married. i have exactly5 days until I'm married!! I can't believe it. It seems so surreal. I'm so excited I don't even know how to express it!!! Soon I'll be a married woman, and then I always will be. A strange, permanent thought. Anyways, I'm so excited...its coming soon! aaaahhhh
Here's David and I's tattoo engagement rings! I actually "designed" the ring, David wanted the red color. We're getting real rings later but we wanted one we could always keep on :)
