Cancelled trip to China

Its almost 12:00 and I can't sleep. I feel like I'm on the brink of something life altering. I feel so confused right now with God. And yet He doesn't seem far. Its not one of those, 'God where are you' moments where he seem silent. I've been praying and searching these past few days on what to do with my trip to China. Ever since I heard the news of the chatastropic earthquake that has killed now 18,000 in Sichuan province in China my heart has been heavy. This week as been a blur. The heaviness hasn't subsided. I asked God, since you don't give writings in the sky, just give me a changed heart, a simple desire to go. I mean, I desire to go to Outback some nights for their wings, or Sonic for a slushie, why can't I conjur up the same hunger for a trip that I have been planning my life around for 8 months??
I feel confused because I heard God's voice and it wasn't what I necessarily thought I'd hear. Its the second summer in a row where a trip to China has been stopped. Many people say "oh a door has been closed but God always opens a window." And I don't feel that way, I don't feel hopeless, that a door has been slammed in my face. I know there is a purpose beyond myself and my situation.
When talking to the study abroad office at U of A on whether I should go or not, a staff member there attempted to consol me that the situation wasn't as bad because "in China there is a greater density of people, so when even something small happens, it effects more people". My program provider said they just suffered a 'broken tile' in a city where it was reported that 1000 people have died. Although I know it probably wasn't their intention to sound cold, I felt disturbed by their treatment of this situation. This is nothing short of a chatastrophy, something that cannot be ignored. I can honestly say I could not intensely study Chinese while the city around me is suffering.
In writing this I am attempting to move forward, to get it all out and then leave any doubts behind. I can say I really feel confident in my decision, though it definately was hard to do. Money has been lost. My degree....well, delayed to say the least. But amidst all this confusion I cannot deny a feeling of hopefulness. Knowing that God is faitful, that I can say "no" with as much conviction as saying "yes". I even read in James today, "Let your yes be yes, let your no be no." God said no, not right now Katy. And that's all that I can understand at this point.